Cowards Corner

Jamie's back with his reviews of Monsters vs. Aliens, and both Last House on the Left movies.

Monsters VS Aliens in 3D
Wow I'm having some bad luck with 3-d Movies. I watched My Bloody Valentine on opening weekend with a ghetto audience that ruined the already bad movie. I wanted to see Coraline but when I finally had time it was not on 3-d anymore.
So I had a chance to see M v A for free. I went to a different theater this time. My luck I get the dad that explains everything to his son real loud while laughing at everything. After 20 min I had to move seats and could still hear his dumb-ass. Studios wonder why there are Movie Pirates. Two 3-d Movies 2 bad times. This one was not effected as much by the audience like Valentine and I could tell the movie
was boring and dull. No jokes worked on me, none were funny. It was way too little kid. Voice acting was good especially by Seth Rogan. 3-d effects were good at first then got old after awhile. I'm glad it was free but would never watch again. I say if you have the money and kids under 10 go for it but bring your Ipod with some trance and sit back and relax to the beats while watching 3-d

Last House on the Left
Most reviews I have read everyone likes the 1972 version and hates on this
new one. After 21 days the new one has only made 29 million.
I decided to watch both back to back and give a fair judgment
Warning heavy spoiler reviews -
- Round one Last house on the left 1972 -
Well from the start it seemed outdated with bad acting.
Its Mary's 17Th birthday and she is going to a concert with a friend.
She takes the parents car. Well her friend decides to buy some weed
and ends up with our 4 criminals who are on the run from the cops.
These criminals are crazy and like to torture and rape. So they rape one
girl in the hotel room. the same time we see Mary's parents baking a cake and decorating the house for her Birthday. Well the next day the 4 kidnappers are trying to drive to freedom with Mary and friend in back of trunk. Well there car breaks down right outside the road that leads to Mary's house. Now the parents are worried and have called the cops. So now that there car has broken down they decide to take the girls to the woods and have some fun with them after raping and killing both of them they clean up and go to the parents house.
Once the parents figure it out and find there daughters dead body they go out for revenge. The Dad is a pussy overall barely taking out one guy with a chainsaw as the mom takes out 2 people herself one by biting off his dick and cutting the girls throat.I liked how it was trying to show how innocent law abiding people can go crazy and just kill with no remorse. The criminals deserved this and you were waiting for it.
I wish the acting would have been better.
There are 2 cops that take up space and are wasting precious
screen time. Back in 72 no one had did things like this so I give Wes Craven a big E for effort. I know the new version will have superior acting so I'm sure that will help.

- Round 2 Last House On The Left 2009 -
Well the story starts off the same way were Mary hooks up with friend. Friend wants to buy weed meets one of the criminals then is kidnapped by the others. They take Mary's car and are escaping and Mary leads them to the back way close to her house then she attacks them which makes the car crash. I liked her thinking she was close to her house and was trying to get free. But none are hurt and they kill her friend and rape her she then escapes into the water were they shoot her and think she is dead. A thunderstorm arrives so they have seek shelter at the closest house which is Mary's parents. Later that night Mary shows up barely alive and they figure it out. So now is the revenge. Well these deaths are not as good as the 72 version. It also takes a long while for it to play out. They were trying to build tension but I knew what was going to happen. You get a gunshot in the eye, hammer to the back of the head, and a beat down with fire poker and flame extinguisher. This has a happy ending and kinda ruins it. Mary does not die, the son of the main criminal Kruger lives and flees with Mary and her parents and the get away with murder.
Then the last scene the dad has kept Kruger alive and microwaves his brain which does not make sense to me.
The 72 version Mary dies, Kruger son kills himself, and the cops witness the dad kill one guy. So they will probably go to jail. It ends on a sad and depressing note.
Well acting wise I was right this version was better. The criminals in this
version are not as crazy and kinda tame. They kill and rape cause they had to get rid of them. The Older film they do it cause they love it.
So I have to agree with the consensus. This new one had potential but failed. A happy ending and stupid last scene hurts this movie overall
Winner - Last house on the Left 1972