The Toilet (Uwe) Boll-athon Blowout

I'll be honest before this past weekend I had never seen a movie by the man, the myth, the legend....Mr. Uwe Boll. Of course ive heard all the trash talk and controversy about him being the current worst director ever. Hell i know ive made jokes about him even without ever seeing any movie. Usually for Halloween weekend i pull out a bunch of horror movies and watch them for review, but this year I wanted to do something different. I couldnt resist any longer, I needed to pop my Uwe Boll cherry! Even though he has a few previous movies i picked out his 4 main commercial action horror movies to watch: House of the Dead, Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne and Bloodrayne 2.

So is he the worst director out there? No not by a long shot, I think that current mantle goes to Uli Lommel and his plethora of std horror movie trash. Dont get me wrong none of the movies were "good" in a classic sense but they were at least entertaining. Well 3 of them at least. I'll start from his earliest and work my way to his latest dvd release.


House of the Dead
This is his first video game movie and probably his most famous. Best known for being so horrible, with bad acting, and video game screen shots interspersed throughout the movie. Yeah the movie was bad but I dont think it was all Uwe's fault. The acting was indeed brutal and the dialogue was cheesy as hell. I thought it did have some interesting camera shots and decent gore effects. The video game screenshots were goofy but luckily there wasnt that many and it was just quick flashes. Probably the biggest gripe I had was the dated matrix bullet time special effects. Still I semi enjoyed parts of it and I didnt think it was near as bad as Ive heard.

Alone In The Dark

His next video game adaption was Alone In The Dark starring Stephen Dourf, Christian Slater and Tara Reid. I thought the movie was a big step forward and I enjoyed it a lot more than House of the Dead. The movie starts off with a pretty cool chase and fight scene. The movie goes into a complicated crazy story about some ancient Indian civilization that had some magic items that were spread across the world so these dark monster creatures couldnt take over and control the Earth. The movie was goofy plot wise and did have some horrible acting by Tara Reid and others but I still found it very enjoyable. The creature effects were mostly good and there were some pretty cool kills. With a bigger budget and more time for this movie I thought Uwe did an admirable job considering the limitations of the script.

Bloodrayne

By the time I saw Bloodrayne I saw a pattern emerging. Each movie I saw I liked a little more than the one before it. Bloodrayne starring Kristanna Loken and Michael Madsen was quite enjoyable. The movie is about this hot chick that is half human/half vampire that is out on a mission to kill the remaining vampires from taking over the world. Sound familiar? Yeah it wasnt the most original but it had a great atmosphere and style. This was by far the goriest of his films and it had some cool kills. Michael Madsen who looked wasted the whole time was so horrible it was brilliant. It gets props for a good sex scene between Bloodrayne and her beau in the movie. The climax of the movie was a little bit of a let down but I still enjoyed it overall.

Bloodrayne 2

This movie definitly broke the pattern of each movie getting better. This movie was God awful. Uwe took a huge step back on this one. Yeah I understand it had a low budget but that doesn't excuse the absolutely nothing going on in this movie. If they cut out all the unnecessary crap it would have been a 40 minute movie tops. This time Bloodrayne was portrayed by Natassia Malthe who was even hotter but couldn't act her way into a porn drama. The movie's story had a cool concept where Billy the Kid portrayed over the top by Zack Ward, was a vampire who was on a mission to take over the town of Deliverance and make his army of vampires to conquer the world. Unfortunately that's where any good praise stops. The movie was so damn boring with crappy handheld shots, cheesy cheesy slow motion kills and an annoying scream by all the vampires when they would get shot and die. I wanted to like this movie so bad but nothing could save it.

Final Conclusion

To my surprise I overall enjoyed the Uwe Boll athon and plan on doing another one once he releases a few more movies. His movies may never win an oscar but they are at least entertaining. He seems like a genuinely nice guy who's gotten a raw deal. Im glad he's kicking all that ass with his boxing exhibitions he puts on. He may be the luckiest director out there to keep getting more and more chances with little or no profit, but he's far from being the worst.

Heres pics of Bloodrayne hotties Kristanna Loken and Natassia Malthe