Jokes of the Week (Golf Version)

True confessions of a golfer
A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.
“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
“You missed the %#$*& putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.

Mother Nature
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?”
The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows.”

The Discovery
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

Damn right I'd play golf if my caddy looked like these!